My Perfectly Imperfect Pooch has comitted his fair share of crimes in his short 6 1/2 year life. He's done a little bit of everything from stealing my grandmother's dentures out of her purse and wearing them like he had an ear of corn waiting for him to gnaw on to stealing ALL of the Valentine's Day candy given to me by my students, unwrapping the cellophane and eating the Russell Stovers one by one. He's even stolen a Giant Reese's Peanut Butter Cup out of a Christmas stocking and eaten it under the bed. Once we caught him with chicken bones sucking the marrow and crunching on the gristle. You get the point, he's a bit of a fugitive.
Recently however he's been moonlighting as a cat burglar. Twice in the last week I've gotten phone calls from a number I didn't recognize followed by frantic phone calls from my mother. "Perfectly Imperfect Mama" she's yelled through my iPhone, "Get home now! Your alarm is going off and the police are at your house!" Both times I've jumped into my Perfectly Imperfect Mama Mobile, otherwise known as....the SUV (only a few years old and covered in Cheerios, old french fries, empty juice boxes, crayons and probably a little vomit that didn't get all the way cleaned up after last year's birthday cake debacle), and driven like a bat out of Hell to get to my Perfectly Imperfect Suburban Haven, otherwise known as......the townhouse. I arrive to find the township police surrounding my house, looking in windows and checking for signs of forced entry. Meanwhile P.I. Pooch is in the upstairs window barking like he caught an intruder himself. Each time I've had to have the house checked from top to bottom just to find that nothing's out of place. WTH is going on??
Thankfully the officers haven't charged me a false alarm fee, but I know they want to. I racked my brain trying to figure out what was setting the alarm off.......then it hit me. P.I. Pooch is the culprit! When the motion sensors were installed we were told he wasn't big enough to set off the alarms. He weighs all of 20 lbs. About 8 lbs of that is hair, 7 lbs of it is stolen food and treats, and the remaining 5 lbs is actual dog. Guess they were wrong.
If he sets the alarm off again, he's getting a job to pay for the impending fees. Hell, I should probably make him get a job anyway to pay for his organic food, mobile dog groomer, and 'well dog' visits at the vet. How much can he get paid an hour for sleeping and looking cute? Just a thought............
-Perfectly Imperfect Mama
No comments:
Post a Comment